Kathrin Christians and Dietger Holm, Philharmonisches Orchester Heidelberg. The second castle concert in my second full summer in Heidelberg. Last year I went to my first Castle Festival concert and it was incredible, it was a showcase of the ‘conductors of tomorrow’, and it was very interesting to have the spotlight on the conductor. The scenery of the Castle Festival concerts is stunning. And this year it couldn’t be less stunning.

It was a Tuesday of a very busy week, where I was just focused on going from one appointment/event/work task to the next. My dear friend Carol joined me and we also took this opportunity to catch up about life. She is very calm and gentle so we always have very mindfull and somehow existential conversations.

Since I moved abroad that everytime I was at a beautiful setting, or experience something special like a concert such as this one, I thought about my dear grandma and how she would really like to see that. In her final years, already nighty, she spent a lot of time at home, and would sometimes be quite bored or lonely. It was always a bittersweet thought, it came with the feeling of missing her but also a bit of sadnness that she couldn’t experience the beauty I was witnessing. In classical music concerts I felt it even more since somehow I thought she would appreciate it more, and also because of all the elderly that make up the majority of the audience in such events. This Tuesday was no exception, and I thought about her like usual.

I don’t remember having listened and watched a flute concert before. I was caught by surprise by the eye patch that Kathrin Christians used, and in awe of her mystical appearance, the centre of the light, the focus of the ensemble, and sounding heavenly and delicate. I thought the flute sounded really magical, and how I wished my grandma would be there to listen with me. The whole concert was really good, and the sun set with this soothing poetic sounds making time stand still in the middle of such a fast paced week I was experiencing. I always find it special how art can make you stop time, especially performative arts – there is only you and what is happening at the stage, and you can follow the performance to where they are going without any what is filling your present state of mind.

Between pieces, Carol and I would chit chat and catch up about life. After the concert we spent a long time discussing existential questions and our feelings about so many things in my appartment hall. It was just a normal night, that had this very rich experience. I always cherish the opportunity of listening to a great concert, of watching a beautiful dance piece, of watching an engaging play. It is such a privilege to be in the audience, and the investment is worth it. Even when you booked tickets 3 months before and today you are tired and think you might rather go home, when you come back it is always worth it. At least for me. Always enriching and special. It makes me feel complete, it gives value to life in a sphere that is not dependent on so many other life spheres such as relationships or work. Art is not always beauty, but this concert was really in that aesthetic. The privilege of appreciating something beautiful for 2h. Just that. No more, no less. It was just another night.

During the concert I thought about how I would like to write a blog post about it, but I didn’t think the story would be the one I write now. I thought it would be about the flute, and the wedding march, and classical music, and so on. I ended up only thinking again about writing about it when I found the programme and the ticket in my stack of papers in my desk. Here is the programme:

I envisioned this text as something more poetic or book chapter like, but I think it the memory is too emotional to be pretty. I thought the words I texted Carol when I found the ticket around my room could make it more justice:

I really enjoyed going to this concert with you. The castle. The music. In the middle of such a busy and quick week that would end up being terrible. I had never heard before such a beautiful sounding flute, or at least I do not remember having so. We thought it was funny that the flute player wore an eye patch. I remember how you remarked that so many elders were in the audience and how in Heidelberg this appears to be the norm. And then I thought about how such an event would be something my grandma would appreciate and enjoy, making her life more beautiful. “How I wished she could be here with us”. She was at the hospital. I don’t know if I thought that I could tell her about the concert the week after when I would be back home. And I didn’t know I would end up being back home the day after, after such a difficult phone call. The before and after this concert feels strange. It is surely psychological but it is impossible to revisit this concert without this hindsight.”

In fact I don’t remember if I thought or not that a week later I could be showing these pictures and describing to my grandma what a beautiful concert she missed, and how I wished she was there. It is impossible for me to revisit this concert without the hindsight that my grandma would pass away the next day. It is also impossible for me not to revisit this irony of beauty and loss. How I thought about her during this evening without possessing the knowledge of the future. Any occasion can dramatically change value with hindsight. I know now that this is a concert I won’t forget so soon, and it will always remind me of the contrast between beauty and sorrow. And I will keep thinking in future occasions, of how much she would love to be there. Afterall, it is not a bad exercise of gratitude. And I swear, grandma, you wouldn’t believe, how beautiful sounded that flute…